Hoon Meetup
What happens when the hoons mobilise?
If you’re not from Australia, the above title and subtitle may make no sense to you. I won’t leave you behind, though. In Australia, the media has an obsession with hoons. “Hoons were responsible for…,” “Hoons were spotted leaving the vicinity…,” “Police have determined hoons most likely did…,” etc.
What’s a hoon? Someone driving a car irresponsibly. Anyone concerned with drag racing (not RuPaul style), doing burnouts or driving recklessly.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be a panellist on a TV show called “Question Everything” over the last two years. Yesterday we recorded the first episode back for season 4 and it was very funny. If you are in Australia, I urge you to watch it tonight October 9 at 8:30pm on The ABC or catch up with it later on ABC iView. If you’re not in Australia, have a look at my Instagram for some of the highlights clips that will come out over the coming days.
There was a question about hoons on the show last night and it reminded me of this story that I told in an abridged format and who even knows if it will make the final edit.
About two years ago, Melbourne introduced some new legislation designed to clamp down on hoon behaviour. The hoons were…let’s say…not happy. As a form of protest against the new legislation, they organised a hoon meetup. Yes. That’s what they called it. I’m sure they had to whip the name up very swiftly for marketing purposes but I just thought they’d have chosen a tougher name for it.
The hoon meetup took place pretty much outside my apartment building. I live down by the bay in Melbourne and it has a long stretch of road running the whole length of it which is a popular spot for hooning during the summer months. It was no surprise that was the chosen location.
There was absolute pandemonium from about 9pm. Burnouts, yelling, drag races…you name the hoon behaviour, it was all taking place down by the bay. Obviously the police quickly attended the scene but they were heavily outnumbered. The burnouts continued.
At about 12:30am, things really kicked off. There was a massive commotion on the street and hoons were hooning around through the laneways, shouting and yelling, so I jumped out of bed to have a peek out the window.
I’m up on the first floor and I’m in darkness, so it doesn’t matter that I’m nude. Pyjamas are of absolutely no concern to me. I have no interest in rolling over at 3am only to be strangled by loose flannelette that’s been swimming around my body for hours.
I’m peeking out the window watching the chaos below when the police helicopter arrives. It’s beaming it’s massive light around the laneways, trying to get a handle on the situation, when suddenly it turns and beams its light straight into my bedroom window, illuminating my…hoons? I’m frozen. The police helicopter is frozen. The hoons in the laneway are frozen.
It feels like I’m lit up for 10 minutes. It was probably 10 seconds. The copper chopper moves away and gets on with its business and the hoons eventually dissipate.
The first and last hoon meetup. I’d like to think I played a role in the hoons never coming back. But who knows?
If you’re in Australia or know anyone in Australia, my 2024 stand up tour “I’ll Be The Judge Of That” is almost wrapped and I’m working on a brand new show for 2025. I’ll give you an exclusive peek at the show here on Substack: it’s called “Everything I Need To Say About Sea Creatures.” I have a mailing list that I absolutely don’t ever spam but it’s the best way to find out about where I’m coming and when!
I also have a standup special coming out toward the end of the year on YouTube for free. You can subscribe to my youtube channel and watch that when it drops!